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Cutting Out My Sins

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Volunteers Needed for a Research Study on Self Injury [25 Jul 2010|11:54am]

Dear LJ Community,
The recruitment for our self injury study is now complete.
Thank you for your support of our research. Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have.
~Tatyana Kholodkov
Graduate Student
Old Dominion University 
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[09 Mar 2010|04:55pm]

Hi... new to the community... and I realize that it's sort of touch and go here (the last post was in December) but I have something I needed to say and I just wasn't comfortable putting it in my lj.

I have been a cutter for about eleven years, off and on, and as of now I have no desire to stop. I did, however, come to a realization today. People don't want to know... in fact; the closer someone is to you the less they want to know. My best friend and I work together, forty hours a week, and when I come in with bandages or bruises she will question me but accepts my flimsy excuses. Today, she offered me an excuse; she beat me to the lie.

I came in with a fresh bandage on my arm (mostly because the perfectly lined "scratches" are a dead giveaway that I am lying through my teeth) and she asked what happened then told me that it must have been the dogs. I have two pit bulls and they are pretty big (loveable but to an extreme) and she volunteered that perhaps whatever had ailed me was my loveable puppies. I let her believe it, I agreed even. When I lived with my mum I was frequently "attacked" by the cats there and now that I'm on my own I am "a chew toy" for my dogs.

I would explain it to them... I need to do it, half the time I don't even want to but I need to, there's something wrong with me and I can only feel better when I am hurt... but I understand that that is crazy talk and that would just worry them more. I know it's somewhat deranged (or possibly completely) but there is something seriously wrong with me... and it's like, when I'm hurting myself, it makes that wrong thing go away for a second. I need that, a few seconds of peace.
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[09 Dec 2008|12:55am]

I don't know what it was. I don't know what it is. I couldn't feel it then and can't feel it now cause it's not there and I'm missing it. They always say you can't miss what you never had but I have to say that that can't be true because although I never had it I want it. I had to have had it at some point, I can't have always been like this; it's not fair but somehow this has to be my fault... all my fault. Why can't I be like everyone else?

Today I did absolutely nothing. I ate whatever I wanted and just relaxed all day and my "friends" came and "hang out" with me. Then I realized they all came asking for something. WFT!?! They never come around unless they need something, and in their company I always end up going in just to hang out with them start feeling awkward or at a loss for words and offer them something I don't really want to share. I'm not trying to buy their friendship! Why do I always end up being the loser? Today had been a pretty good day up until that realization. I can't even bleed out my frustrations because even that's not enough anymore.

I sometimes get jealous of all of you guys out there, you cut and you bleed freely. I cut and I barely bleed at all. Maybe I'm just a coward. I have no razor and I'm not daring enough to try the knife I have again. Last time I did too much and the scars I have from that will keep me with my shirt on forever; not to mention it just doesn't do it for me anymore. Bleeding doesn't fix it. Bruises don't help. The ice cold water of the shower freezing myself numb doesn't make me feel, and THIS  INDIFFERENCE is KILLING ME.

The one person who makes me feel better, is making me feel some type of way. The way I'm feeling I now is stressing her out which in turn is further stressing me out and pressuring me to fake the visage of being "OK", which I don't feel like doing just yet.

Guess some of us are just meant to catch the "L" (for the record that stands for "loss"), eh?

What's up all? I'm new,
age: 21
been cutting/ si since I was 7

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new [08 Dec 2008|09:32pm]

I'm new to this group I'm 18 and have been SI-ing since I was 11/12 . I need a place where others understand I never realized how truly alone I was until today. I was talking to my friend and her sister had to be hospitalized cause she was a danger to herself and others(she also SI's) she doesn't understand even though I try and explain. So I tried telling her I'm having trouble she kinda shrugged it off in a non challant way. Like it was nothing. And changed subjects then said she had to go. IDK what to do I've lost so much and friends over this. My family has been through hell 'cause of my shit. My siblings and I have a rift between us 'cause they don't understand and was never there for me.*sigh* I'm just going through so much right now and it's in the back of my mind again after months of progress. I want to so bad...I see nothing wrong with it in way it's how I've coped all these years how I survive. I just hate the way it makes them feel I hate the way I have to hide..IDK support would be greatly appreciated.
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[30 Nov 2008|12:30am]

has anyone ever deliberatly looked at a picture that makes you want to cut?? i've noticed that ive been doing that a lot, my razors arn't working anymore so i found a used shaving razor (weird i know) and took it apart. i used the top one and it worked amazingly, the blood flowed more freely and was a lot reder then usual, which was beautiful to say the least. i talk to myself more then usual as well, telling myself how pathetic and worthless i am. i think i need help
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[01 Sep 2008|03:15pm]

why do i feel like ripping open my chest and pulling out my heart?? i want to die and i want it now but i just can't do it.
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[19 Aug 2008|12:36pm]

[ mood | sad ]

 god i just want to fucking die. i hate my life. i'm deseiving my parents, i hade to change were i cut, so no one would find out i still do, i've been drawing abnormally long theses past few days, and i start school next monday, whats good about that is i don't have to wear shorts in gym, other wise people would see my cuts. i swiched to my thighs and my anckel, which is were i 'wrote' cut just deep enough that it bled a little. i need help, or just some one to talk to.

                                                - LovE jAde

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hi [30 Jul 2008|05:47pm]

hi... i'm new..... i'm 14 and i've been cutting since jan or feb, i can't really remember and i don't care. i like the pain but i hate that i'm deciving my mom and dad. last night was the last time and time befor that was in AZ three weeks earlier. i was visiting family and i got over whelmed. yes my mom and dad know, but they think i'm 'over' it. is that possable?
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New Here Seeking Support [21 Apr 2008|09:17pm]

Hello, I would like to take a few minutes to introduce myself to this community as I am new and with that slightly new also to Live Journal. I was asked to sign up by my friend who knows I write my soul out word for word like an disease, my words are all I have that hasn’t been took away from me by chronic pain. I am looking for understanding and support. I have cut for years, stopped for 2 and started back. It would be great to find new friends so feel free to add me because I am just so tired of walking alone.
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New Book About Cutting Released May 2007 [08 May 2007|05:13pm]

My name is Vanessa and I have struggled with anorexia for 20 years and self-injury for more than 30 years. In a quest to understand the reasons behind my behavior, I entered an intensive therapy program and the insight I gained was so valuable, I decided to share my story with others. Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light is a story of self-injury and redemption. By understanding some of the root causes behind my self-injury, I was able to go forward on a path to healing and have just celebrated my first year injury free!

I would love to have you visit my blog and respond to some of my entries!
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[14 Jan 2007|12:03am]

i'm new here. my name is melissa. call me monkey if u'd like. anywho i haven't wanted to cut for a while but i was in a bit of a fight with my girlfriend (i'm bi for the record) and idk. it's just becomming too much pressure. between that and some crap between my friends right now i just need it. i'm sry if i'm babbling or anything. i used to be on blurty but my sister found out and i deleted everything so now i'm on this site. i have been sitting here for a little while just staring at my blade. i really just feel like i need it so badly right now. i've been sober for almost 3 months now but everything is falling apart and i really don't feel like i have anywhere to turn. i'm hoping that writing it in here can help me just vent slightly. sry if i sounded stupid.
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Hello [05 Dec 2006|05:18pm]

[ mood | cold ]

Hello everyone. I'm Cathy. 21 college student. Survivor of three abusers and have been self harming off and on since I was 13. In many ways I feel I haven't grown past that age. Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. I'll post again later I'm sure.

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So weak. [23 Sep 2006|01:20am]

[ mood | depressed ]

After months and MONTHS of not cutting.. I finally gave in. I mean, things have gotten bad, but I've always overcome the need to do it. Now, I just don't care. It hurts a lot more than I remember. Hell, it never actually hurt to begin with. And now, it does. Guess it's my body's way of saying to just stop. I've got thin lines going up the street, but all of the major ones are across the road; I'm not doing this to kill myself. Just to .. tell my depression that I'm still alive, I guess. I don't know. My left arm looks so messed up with all the scars as I've been doing this since I was fourteen. Or was it sixteen? I can't remember, and I've got a horrible memory lately. Either way, it's been awhile since I'm going to turn twenty-two in under a month. Woo hoo, right? Wrong. I could care less. After my eighteenth birthday, none of them mattered. Twenty-one should, right? Wrong. I lived in a place where I could walk across the border to Mexico and drink at eighteen, and I did. So, turning twenty-one just meant I was another year older.

At least I'm trying to kick one bad habit; smoking. Doing pretty good. I've only had three cigs today.

S'about all.
Just needed to vent because all of my friends are tired of hearing about my problems, and one even TOLD me he wasn't going to give me pity anymore. Like I want his fucking pity. I just wanted a friend to talk to to vent about things to. Blah.

This Girl Here.

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[11 Aug 2006|11:27pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hi. I just joined and, though I haven't cut in years, I wrote a story I thought everyone might identify with....

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[11 Jul 2006|01:40pm]

I have not cut once since April 11, 2006! I have not done ANYTHING destructive since April 11, 2006! YAY!
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[09 Jul 2006|08:16pm]
Loneliness and health compromise to ask for just ten minutes from your best friend. Mark the clock: 11:23. During those ten, though, you can't quite figure out what needs to be said to fill that gaping void. Mention your diet, for lack of other meaningful things to say, and realize you've forgotten what hunger is. Respect and the slightest hint of hope sound; 11:33. Remind him, but he keeps going on about eating healthy. Remember what a piece of shit you are and stop breathing. Cough instead. Hang up because you wouldn't want to bother him with another panic attack, but call back later to explain that you weren't actually hanging up. Let him leave you in decay because he has to sleep sometime.

Keep the phone near just in case he realizes what he's done but let your soul fight its way out of your mouth in silent screams because you know he'll never call back. Curl into that familar ball in that fucking black room in that fucking desolate house. Lay back flat like you would if your dreams would just come true and press the heels of your hands on the sides of your neck. You've heard this makes people pass out, but all it does is remind you your heart always beats too fast. Grab a belt to keep you company. Slap it's metal buckle against your thigh but remember that type of hurt doesn't do anything for you. So wrap it round your neck, taking in sweet leather aromas, pulling tight. Tug harder and feel the blood stay up in your head. Pressure. Heat. You don't have to worry about panic attacks when you can't breathe. Take a moment to note, this is what it would feel like to hang. Let your head stay there, red and limp and dead, and your mouth will hang open to keep the pain out of your jaw. After it's done its job, release the belt. Run to the mirror and hit the lights to see if it's left any marks. Its hard to see in the dim light, but catch site of your face and recognize just how ugly you are. James was right; your face is all squished into this tiny center on your head. Understanding you have no idea what you actually look like, accept that you are not the pretty girl they say you are. Look at your eyes for a while and at the instant you realize you are looking into the eyes of a monster, fall to the ground and tuck your head underneath your shaking arms. Be afraid to look again, and somehow climb into your bed convulsing after a few sad attempts. Fall asleep terrified and even more terribly lonely.
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[07 Jun 2006|01:00pm]

[ mood | Ding! Fries are done. ]

Am I the only person who counts their cuts when thye get bored. So far there are 57. I'm not proud of that or anything and I'm not like, trying to set a record(although would definitely give me something to do)I was just wondering if anyone else did that or not.

And I'm pretty sure at least one person has already asked this question, but when was the first time you cut? I want to know for myself.

I was in the shower. I was a sad attempt, or maybe just a dull razor, but eventually it worked. Some boy I just met........sex was involved. I felt like the biggest whore on the planet. You know.

Yes, I have lots of questions. No, I'm not 12.

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[05 Jun 2006|01:46pm]

[ mood | curious ]

I don't know if these are horrible questions or just  stupid ones, but uhm....does anyone else clean their sharp object before they use it? Does it matter to you wether or not it's clean or by the time you even think about that are you already delirious from blood loss?

Also, does anyone else listen to a certain type of music when they cut? If so, what is it? I do it because I don't really like to hear the sound of me cutting. I don't cut with the light on either.

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why [27 May 2006|10:45am]

Why? Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be thin? Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be perfect? Why do guys find me repulsive? Why? Why? Why? I am so fat. I am beyond ugly. I'm no where near perfect, and everyone hates me! Why? I hate myself so much. I would kill just to be some of the girls in my class for one day!
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[23 May 2006|02:14pm]

Hey, everything has been going fine lately. No fighting, no argurements, no nothing! I haven't talked to Casey in about a week, he apologized to me though, so I'm happy. Um, I was thinking last night....besides my rape when i was little, I'm a virgin at heart. But, I don't want to be, I really want to have sex, but when I want it and with who i want it with. But, I can't seem to find anyone. Sorry, I must be babbling like a whore. But yeah, that was kinda random.
I read a book called cut by some lady, and it sucked ass. It didn't really catch the mood and reason. It was kind of stupid to be honest. 
Well, i haven't cut yet, but i feel as if I'm gonna crack soon. I hope I can keep my strength up.
Does anyone ever wonder if there is actually a God? Like, I have my doubts at points. I do believe that there is a God, I just don't think He has answered me or heard me yet. I really wish He would though. I'm getting sick of waiting. And that really makes me want to give up life...right now...just because God doesn't listen to me!

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